Broken Brained

One seizure at a time.

Stigma January 5, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — koshti @ 4:52 pm

I had a professor in medical school who told me, in front of a group of folks, that there is no stigma attached to epilepsy. She then went on to tell me (in the same conversation, in front of the same people) that being a doctor was a high stress position and that she wouldn’t recommend it to me. This conversation took place at the end of my 2nd year.

I can’t say her name without a string of expletives following it.

The other day I told a friend that it was amazing the grades that she gets and even more amazing how down to earth she is about them. The conversation went on from there, but in the end she told me that I shouldn’t worry about my lack of A’s, since after all, I have seizures.

There’s some truth to all this. Seizures suck. They suck the energy out of you, and after a half dozen seizures, the idea of doing anything but sleeping seems impossible. Until I think of the stigma.

God, I hate the stigma. Worse than the stigma is pity. And worse than the pity is the admiration.  I’m a middling human being, as far as my successes in life go. I’m not terribly hard working. Really. Its terrible, but I’d much rather socialize than study.I shoot high with my ambitions, but none seem worth giving up lazing about and strengthening connections with people I adore.

I treasure my languor. And so when it’s excused away as some by product of misfiring neurons, it really pisses me off. And when my half-assed attempts at life are described as splendid, I want to spit!

So that’s what gets me out of bed in the morning, stigma.


5 Responses to “Stigma”

  1. cookies suck. sausages taste much better. Says:

    hello honey! i adore this blog and if i see any carbs staring you in the face i promise to slap them into next week.

    i can only imagine how hard it is to stare cookies in the face and say no! i Admire you for that-for meeting a cookie and not getting to know it. now that is a lady worthy of admiration.

    also, i promise not to stigmatize you for eating lots of sausages and meat and cheese, nor to pity you. but can i at least admire you? actually, maybe a little bit of pity (completely carb related pity of course).

    as for the actual emotions you expressed-well i love you for them and i don’t want to get sappy, but let’s just say i admire you as a person in general. oh. and i will spit at half-assed attempts at life that are described as splendid beside you. hopefully nobody will be walking nearby…..

  2. Dee Says:

    Merry Christmas, Happy New Year
    I hope Phil shared the hugs we sent to you over the holidays.
    I feel your pain with the Atkins. Sooo hard to do. I think I eat low carb until I think of you.
    Despite your assertions of “half-assed attempts at life” you have accomplished something and should not belittle what you’ve done….

  3. Sandy Says:

    NPR radio essay this weekend by an author in a wheelchair who said people alt. congratulate him and tell him how hard he must have it. Very Visible Stigma. Problem is no one knows how to relate to anyone. Not really. Blog is good. Very good. Might get me out of bed of a morning to see what’s new with you. Keep it up. love, EX-W:4

  4. The Bob Says:

    You are doing better than most with more obstacles than most, you are not deserving of pity, but praise. Without the smallest thought of pity, I think the bulk of people who know you are amazed by your accomplishments (I am). That and the fact you have enough brain cells left at the end of the day to retain the knowledge needed to get you where you are (and want to be). I can’t even remember to remember shit half the time lol.

    “I pity the foo who pity me.” Mr.T

  5. George Says:

    I love your style

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